Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
