Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
