Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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