If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
