i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
