Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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