just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.