Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
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We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself