Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced