last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
