Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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