i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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