Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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