if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
