Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
