i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
