I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
