After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
