I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
