so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
