everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
