By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
