You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
