how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
