why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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