a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
