Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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