I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
