wrigley field is MILF paradise
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
