Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
