Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
