don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
