All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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