Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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