So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
