If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
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I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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