Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
