And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
