He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
