I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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