Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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