you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
