I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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