I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
