he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
