successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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