I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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