god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
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It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
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During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.