turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
