it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You left your phone here
Wait...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
