I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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