im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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