butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
what day is it and did you see me today?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
