You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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