On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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