my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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