Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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