Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
