The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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